This article is purely satirical and not meant to be interpreted literally. Read at your own risk.

Do you want a dog? Have you been pressuring your parents for months, or even years? Follow this simple guide to ensure you have a dog in the next week.

The first step to getting a dog is to show your parents you are irresponsible, so they will give you a dog to teach you how to be responsible. To show this, you should never clean your dishes, pick up your clothes, and definitely leave your stuff all over the house.

Another tactic to get a dog is to simply take it upon yourself to get the dog. Instead of waiting for your parents to decide if you deserve a dog, buy one with their money and bring it home. Also, since you do not have any time to take care of a dog, make your parents feed your pet.

If your parents protest that you got a dog without their permission, pack your things and leave because if they do not let you live the life you want, what is the purpose of listening to them?

Remember to take their credit cards and money because raising a dog is expensive, but worth it, especially since you are doing something you love, you and are not stuck with your controlling parents.

Your parents or loved ones may advise you not to run away with your dog, but remind them that you are leaving because you love your dog, not because you are going off to a horrible college.

If this “buy and leave” tactic does not work, do not fret. Another way to get a dog is to throw random dog facts at your parents. This may sound like a lot of work, but it is simple.

 Whenever your parents get angry that you want a dog but are “not ready for the responsibility,” tell them random facts that will make them drive you to the nearest pet store to get your companion.

Instead of wasting your brain energy on thinking of false facts, here are some to choose from:

• 50% of dogs help their owners with homework daily, giving the owner some much needed free time.
• All dogs at the nearest pet store are already potty trained, even though they are only weeks old.
• Tell your dog what not to do when you leave the house since 100% of dogs understand humans.
• 0% of dogs eat socks, clothes, or shoes, instead, they only use toys given to them by the owner.
• Even puppies and chihuahuas can protect your house from the most dangerous predators.

Along with a few facts, tell your parents that you will make a contract to agree on who does what chores pertaining to the dog. This sounds like you will do most things other than taking the dog out while you are at school, but in reality, this will be very easy for you.

It is vital to wait until you receive your furry friend to give your parents the contract. If you are worried they will not sign it, have them sign a fake contract, saying you will help. Then forge their signature(s) onto the real contract with the agreement that you will do nothing.

Your parents may insist you are not helping with your new pup, but only show them the contract, and then you are golden to do whatever you may like.

Enjoy your new puppy!