How to ace midterms


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CHEATING WORKS. Forget studying for hours on end; the best way to ace a midterm exam is to cheat! There are several different ways of cheating, such as using your cellphone or even having someone else take the exam for you. “It is easy and painless, and frees up time for doing other, more enjoyable activities,” said Grace Caldwell, 9.

This article is purely satirical and not meant to be interpreted literally. Read at your own risk.

Everyone nowadays is going on and on about the midterm exams. “When should I start studying? How long should I study for? Which classes should I delegate most of my time for?” are all questions that circulate through high schoolers’ heads during this time of year.

However, why should we bite our nails as we pace back and forth, trying to memorize a chemical formula or the entirety of the French Revolution? Why should we spend hours upon end trying to cram all of those literary terms into our brains?

The answer is: we should not. The best way to ace an exam is to cheat. Plain and simple.

So here is a guide to the best and most efficient ways to get that “A” in the bag.

A simple yet effective tactic is having some other smart person take the exam for you. I have found that food can be used as a bribe on multiple occasions, so you can always just give them your lunch if you do not happen to have any cash at the time.

And do not worry. Even if you hire someone with a completely different appearance as you, it is not like anyone will notice, as no one really pays attention to you anyways.

Usually, math exams have at least one part that permits the usage of a calculator. On the day of the exam, bring in your smartphone instead. If the teacher tells you not to use it as it is not a calculator, open the calculator app.

The teacher will immediately understand and permit you to use it. The opportunities are endless. Pull up photos of your notes! Use Google! All while making sure to flip back to the calculator when the teacher makes their usual rounds.

Now, one of the best ways to cheat is as follows. If the essay is on paper, approach the teacher about twenty minutes through the period and ask if you may stretch your legs a bit, as writing has made you a little tired.

Regardless of his/her response, walk around the classroom, literally stretching your legs (I recommend lunges as they are very good for your quads), making an obvious effort to peer at your peers’ papers.

They will get so distracted by your amazing quadriceps (wear shorts on the exam day to further show-off those muscles) that they will remove their hands from their papers, making it easy for you to view what they have written.

After you have located the smartest person in the room and memorized their entire paper, you may sit down and begin filling out your own. This method is extremely discreet and easy, and will surely guarantee you an A plus.

Now, if a student somehow, by a fraction of a chance, gets caught cheating during an exam, there can be dire consequences. But never fear! If a student is caught, the teacher can just expel them, and they will never even have to think about school ever again!

I hope these alternatives to studying will help you during this exam season. After all, it does not matter how you get the A, even if you have to take the road less traveled. No which famous poem is this line taken from? It does not matter. It is not like this random piece of knowledge will help you in the real world.