Love languages are a pervasive force in today’s society. We all, by nature, seek to receive and give love to our loved ones, whether they be friends, family members, significant others. With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, it can feel especially important to find the “best” way to express our love.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, the answer to this question varies per person. In his 1992 book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate,” Chapman argues that people give and receive love differently, but each one prefers a certain method—which he dubbed their “love language.” Chapman divides these methods into five categories: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.
On the surface, this idea may seem valid. It is simple, straightforward. The problem is, though, that it is also misleading.
Indeed, a recent 2024 study calls these assumptions into question because of limited research subjects and outdated research methods. Authors Emily A. Impett, Haeyoung Gideon Park, and Amy Muise all describe love not as a “language,” as Chapman does, but as a “balanced diet” where people need a “full range of essential nutrients” in order to develop lasting relationships.
Chapman’s five categories, meant to liberate relationships, instead encourage us to conform to predetermined parameters. They eliminate the gray zone that makes our love unique, sometimes even omitting certain ways people prefer to express or receive their love. If someone feels the most comfortable with emotional intimacy, for example, they are left without guidance on how to make sure their emotional needs are met.
More importantly, though, “love languages” deprioritize the quality of a person’s love expression in favor of quantity. A very generic gift card and a carefully chosen bouquet of flowers are considered essentially the same by Chapman’s standards, but are often received quite differently in real life.
Although it is true that effort matters in a relationship, these types of expressions of love are not true effort. True effort is putting in the time to focus on your loved one’s needs and wants, not doing something generic and hoping it will work for your loved one.
Like snowflakes, how we express our love for one another is not the same, and the oversimplification of love into ‘languages’ fails to account for this uniqueness. This Valentine’s Day, instead of focusing on your loved one’s “love language,” think about what they value. After all, love is not about speaking the same “language”— it is about paying attention.
